Our first successful mission (at least that we can talk about)

It is with great pleasure that I announce that "Natasha" and I have successfully executed our first mission (that we can talk about) to keep the New Company from succeeding in its bid to force evil office products on the masses.  We introduced a computer virus into the computer running "Gertrude" which caused "her" to create all of her memos in Esperanto.  As "she" could not communicate "her" ideas, "her" staff became panicked, and until they learn Esperanto they will have to either sit on their hands and do nothing or guess what "Gertrude" wants them to do.  We figure it will take them a couple weeks to learn the new language, so we have earned 14 days * 7 billion people = 98 billion person days free from the New Company's influence!

Evil office products

While researching the best ways to get people to swear allegiance to me and give up their own ambitions in order to achieve my goals I ran across an post on my former enemy's blog about how, if I truly despise evil office products, I should be doing more to crush the New Company and my former employer, the Parent Corporation.

I want to make it very clear:  I despise evil office products and will never use them again, nor will I support their design, manufacture, distribution, or use among the general population.  My comments in previous posts were not meant to indicate that I had relapsed into approving of them, but to illustrate my point that it is much more difficult than I had thought to get people to unite behind me when their judgment is not impaired by dependence on these tools of evil.  It took me a while to come to this realization, but now that I have accepted it and changed my tactics I am once again having great success.

There has also been one incident at one of my field offices where a naive campaign worker used hole punches while distributing campaign literature, but she has been reprimanded and now my wife and I are training our new recruits on the dangers of brads and hole punches, how to recognize evil stickers, and how to talk to people who don't think there is anything wrong with evil office products.  We are also getting ready to launch campaigns against the New Company and its evil designs.  Just because I haven't have the manpower to launch attacks against them doesn't mean I won't be doing so in the very near future!

Progress

I am pleased to announce that after a remarkably slow start, my bid to rule the world is finally taking off.  I must admit that I was starting to wonder whether I had made a mistake in giving up such a useful tool as evil office products, but my wife reminded me of the sad situation we found ourselves in earlier this year and I realized that she is right.  After my conversations with my not-so-evil twin I made some adjustments to my methods, and I have begun recruiting campaign workers.  It's remarkably easy to find people disillusioned with the current state of politics, especially in the current political climate in the United States.  I just used some of the money I got from my churro sales to buy campaign posters and put them up all over, and suddenly campaign volunteers started flocking to me.  It just goes to show that when people understand their alternatives they aren't so stupid after all.

"Natasha" has cautioned me not to get my hopes up too much, and that perhaps the volunteers that are flocking to me are just considering me a better option than the major US political parties.  I can't believe that anyone wouldn't be a better option than the major political parties here in the US, so I think my wife is being overly pessimistic, but my recent disappointments have let me know that people aren't so quick to recognize the greatness in me as I would expect, so I am letting them bask in my glow for a while and then I am sure they will be loyal and mindless followers!

I would like to thank all of those who have joined me so far, and would like to extend an invitation to everyone else: either join me or you'll be sorry!  I'm finally starting to have enough infrastructure in place that I can start manipulating world events in my favor, so you'll want to be aligned with me to avoid any... um... discomfort!

Looking up

Last week I had a conversation with my twin brother, who, unfortunately, works for one of my competitors in the race for world domination.  I haven't spoken with him for some time; in fact, I haven't talked with him much since I imprisoned him in the reality simulator to take his place at the GNU Public Dictatorship to find out what they already knew about Jacob Gehris.  Those were the days.  As you all know well, Jacob was the purported inventor of the brad, even though he just popularized the modern manufacturing methods.  For years the Parent Corporation led people to believe that he was an unfortunate individual caught in the middle of a conspiracy of secret societies, but we knew better.  We knew he was as evil as they come and his motivations were not for the benefit of society.  But I digress... those days are behind me as I have sworn off evil office products.  It was just fun to relive the glory days, even if I was on the wrong side.

Anyway, my brother and I discussed many things and I discovered that he is still loyal to family, and that now that I am clean he is willing to help me as long as it doesn't violate his non-compete clause in his employment contract at the GPD.  He used his influence to get the US government to recognize my patented churros, and he has used the GPD's resources to encourage people to stop making bootleg churros, at least where mine are being sold.  With a bit more revenue from my churros I'll be able to do more to get ready to rule the world!  Additionally I have received more correspondence than I cared to open expressing support and solidarity for me and my pinkilessness, and I have decided that my pinkilessness is not going to keep me from ruling the world.  It may mean that I have to rid the world of some vocal anti-pinkiless hooligans, but I won't have to destroy the whole world!  "Natasha" assures me that this is better, as I will be able to impress the world by stamping out anti-pinkilessness without rendering the world incapable of joining me afterwards!  Things are definitely looking up!