Adjusting my expectations

My wife has been trying to convince me since I posted last week that the implicit threat at the end (that if you don't unite behind me I may have to destroy you) was poorly chosen, and that I should not have mentioned it at all, even if it was my intent.  Moreover, she has finally convinced me that instead of growing morose and plotting to destroy the world I should adjust my expectations.

I had expected that as soon as I provided myself as an option that people around the world would flock to me and beg me to rule them.  As it turns out, however, an obscure low-budget film that insults a popular world religion can apparently incite more passion than can a well-constructed and witty blog about me.  Perhaps it has to do with my pinkilessness, but I hate to revel in my disability.  I only mention it because so many of the things I have tried to do to improve the world by having me control it seem to be taking longer than I imagine that it would take a similar-but-not-pinkiless version of me.  If only I could convince my twin brother to abandon the GNU Public Dictatorship and attempt to rule the world himself I would have an experiment that could confirm or contradict my assumptions, but he seems to buy into the ridiculous model of the GPD.  I had also expected to make more money off sales of my patented churros, but I suspect that someone has been creating bootleg churros and flooding the market with these knock-off versions of mine.  I have filed a lawsuit to get them to stop, but I suspect that the judge found out about my pinkilessness and won't even use government resources to investigate my claims that someone is making churros similar to my patented ones.  He had the nerve to suggest in his ruling that since I had "no proof" that these knock-off churros exist and since the US government does not recognize my patent he could do nothing to help me.  I guess this is just one more reason to rule the world.

Anyway, I have adjusted my expectations.  I no longer expect the US government to support my bid for world domination, and I no longer expect you to unite behind me without me doing something to impress you.  I know I have made it clear that I won't count votes, but if any of you have any suggestions as to what would impress you, please don't hesitate to contact me and let me know.  "Natasha" tells me that destroying you might impress you but that it would leave you unable to support me, so I'm looking for other methods of impressing you.

It's not moving so quickly as I had hoped

When I declared my intent to rule the world I figured it might take a few days for everyone to line up behind me, but, to my dismay, it has now been more than a month.  It has been a week since I created this blog, but still the world has yet to anoint me their fearless leader.  Maybe it is because I am pinkiless.  Discrimination against the pinkiless has long been the way of the world, and even though the situation has improved somewhat since the campaigns against anti-pinkilessness spearheaded by the GPD, but society does not yet appear to truly accept those of us without pinkies.  As the story of how I became pinkiless is closely tied with my past transgressions, I will share a bit of it now, in the hopes that future generations won't have to be pinkiless and endure the mental anguish associated with it.

Several years ago I was working my way up the ladder of success in the Parent Corporation, whose long term goal is to rule the world but whose methods involve the use of office products that are habit-forming and dangerous to the users thereof.  They figure that if they can get people addicted to these products that the people will be easier to manipulate and rule over.  In my pursuit of greatness I bought into this method of world domination, and worked hard not just to disseminate mildly-dangerous office products, but to create newer and more sinister varieties thereof.  I had been assigned to make a brad more evil than the standard one, and had been working very long hours.  After what they tell me was a week without sleep I was ready to test my latest version of the brad and I engaged the testing machine.  Unfortunately, my hands were still on the testing table and were punctured many times by my version of the brad.  Due to a quirk of the shape of the table and of the design of the test, the punctures all occurred on my pinky fingers.  My assistants found me the next morning, asleep and still bleeding.  They feared that I was dead and got emergency medical assistance.  Because of the delay in treatment the doctors were unable to save my pinky fingers and I have been pinkiless since then.  The irony of the situation was that we never succeeded in making a brad more evil than it already was, and that the test machine was not even loaded with my experimental brads, but with the standard off-the-shelf variety.

In retrospect I should have given up on evil office products right then and there, but the Parent Corporation promoted me and gave me a proxy to attend public functions for me (so that my pinkilessness would not be apparent) and I used the proxy.  I grew so fearful of exposing my pinkilessness that I became a recluse and began using evil office products on my own.  The vicious cycle repeated itself until earlier this year when I met my wife, at which point I decided that I was coming out of the pinkiless closet and that I was going to clean up.

I'm not proud of my involvement with evil office products, and I'm not proud of my pinkilessness, but it is part of who I am, and if the world isn't ready to accept me as I am then I do not want to rule it.  Who would want to rule over a world that doesn't accept me for who I am?  Perhaps I'll have to change my plans and destroy it...

What this is all about

While I know that most of the world already knows me, I thought I would take a minute to explain to a few of you who I am and why I started this blog.  I have had a number of questions since I declared my intent to rule the world, so I will respond to the more common ones here with both a short answer and a long answer:

Q. Who are you?
Short A. "Edgar"
Long A.  I was born Cornelius Quisling III, and my twin brother and I were expected from a very young age to do great things.  My brother Count went into public service, I went into business.  My parents disowned me when I began to direct a company bent on world domination through the enslavement of the human race by addictions to evil office products such as brads, hole punches, and evil stickers, but I continued my work anyway.  I became addicted to these evil products and did many things of which I am deeply embarrassed, but I realized the error of my ways when I met my true love, who was then going by the name of "Kathryn", but who now prefers her earlier pseudonym "Natasha".  Her birth name, for the curious, was Jennifer Ferguson, but she is not the one running for congress in the state of Washington.  "Natasha" and I overcame our addictions to evil office products, forswore them, got married, and are now working together full time.
Q.  Why would I want to be ruled by you?
Short A. Because you don't want to take the time to rule yourself, do you?
Long A.  Let me list the top 29 reasons:

1. "Edgar" is a family man.
2. "Edgar" is smarter than you.
3. "Edgar" has your best interests at heart
4. "Edgar" and "Natasha" are well-traveled in the world of aspiring world leaders and know how to avoid many of the pitfalls
5. "Edgar" and "Natasha" will not require you to vote, but you can if you want to.  It won't make a difference, though, since votes will not be counted.
6. "Edgar" and "Natasha" will do the right thing regardless of what everyone says they should do
7. "Edgar" and "Natasha" have a blog.
8. "Edgar" is a cooler pseudonym than yours.
9. "Edgar" is experienced in the business world.
10. "Edgar" believes everything that you do, only better than you do.
11. "Edgar" will eliminate brads.
12. "Edgar" will eliminate hand-held hole punches.
13. "Edgar" will eliminate evil stickers.
14. "Edgar" is good at making lists
15. "Edgar" has four PhD's, only two of which were from fake universities.  How many of your favorite aspiring world leaders can make that claim?
16. "Edgar" has a twin brother.
17. "Edgar" is pinkiless, and it would be discrimination for you to not let him rule over you.
18. "Edgar" has a proven track record, even if it is for an evil organization he now despises.
19. "Edgar" won't tell you what you want to hear, unless you want to hear what he has to say.
20. "Edgar" drives a fast car.
21. "Edgar" does not ever exceed the speed limit by more than 10 km/h.
22. "Edgar" is more awesome than you.
23. "Edgar" expects nothing from you except to not oppose him.
24. "Edgar" is an amateur painter.
25. "Edgar" is blunt; he won't mince words.
26. "Edgar" loves Spirograph.
27. "Edgar" has so many reasons you should let him rule over you.  Quantity is important, after all.
28. "Edgar" has lived all over the world and knows how to rule it.
29. "Edgar" is not part of the 1%.  His corporate earnings were forfeited when he resigned from the Parent Corporation, and he now lives entirely off sales of his patented churros.

Q. Will you be responsive to the "will of the people"
Short A. No.
Long A. No.  The "will of the people" is often wrong and can be swayed too easily by passing trends.  A government based on Rule By "Edgar" will be infinitely more efficient than democracies and will align with my own views 100% of the time.  No other form of government can make that sort of claim.
Q.  What about other alternatives?
Short A.  There are no other good alternatives.  It's Rule By "Edgar" or chaos.
Long A.  The few alternatives out there are not desirable.  You could throw your support behind the evil organization that "Edgar" resigned from or one of its offshoots, or you could pin your hopes on that ridiculous GNU Public Dictatorship and its Board of Dictators, but you might as well be hoping that the US Congress will get its act together and improve the world.
Q.  How do I help?
Short A.  Tell everyone about me and my vision.
Long A.  Tell everyone about me and my vision and my churros.  The more churros I sell the more resources I will have at my disposal to combat evil and install myself as ruler of the world!

I hope that this FAQ has helped you get to know me better.  Feel free to ask me any questions that might occur to you, and I will try to update you periodically on my progress.  Here's to the future and Rule By "Edgar!"