When I declared my intent to rule the world I figured it might take a few days for everyone to line up behind me, but, to my dismay, it has now been more than a month. It has been a week since I created this blog, but still the world has yet to anoint me their fearless leader. Maybe it is because I am pinkiless. Discrimination against the pinkiless has long been the way of the world, and even though the situation has improved somewhat since the campaigns against anti-pinkilessness spearheaded by the GPD, but society does not yet appear to truly accept those of us without pinkies. As the story of how I became pinkiless is closely tied with my past transgressions, I will share a bit of it now, in the hopes that future generations won't have to be pinkiless and endure the mental anguish associated with it.
Several years ago I was working my way up the ladder of success in the Parent Corporation, whose long term goal is to rule the world but whose methods involve the use of office products that are habit-forming and dangerous to the users thereof. They figure that if they can get people addicted to these products that the people will be easier to manipulate and rule over. In my pursuit of greatness I bought into this method of world domination, and worked hard not just to disseminate mildly-dangerous office products, but to create newer and more sinister varieties thereof. I had been assigned to make a brad more evil than the standard one, and had been working very long hours. After what they tell me was a week without sleep I was ready to test my latest version of the brad and I engaged the testing machine. Unfortunately, my hands were still on the testing table and were punctured many times by my version of the brad. Due to a quirk of the shape of the table and of the design of the test, the punctures all occurred on my pinky fingers. My assistants found me the next morning, asleep and still bleeding. They feared that I was dead and got emergency medical assistance. Because of the delay in treatment the doctors were unable to save my pinky fingers and I have been pinkiless since then. The irony of the situation was that we never succeeded in making a brad more evil than it already was, and that the test machine was not even loaded with my experimental brads, but with the standard off-the-shelf variety.
In retrospect I should have given up on evil office products right then and there, but the Parent Corporation promoted me and gave me a proxy to attend public functions for me (so that my pinkilessness would not be apparent) and I used the proxy. I grew so fearful of exposing my pinkilessness that I became a recluse and began using evil office products on my own. The vicious cycle repeated itself until earlier this year when I met my wife, at which point I decided that I was coming out of the pinkiless closet and that I was going to clean up.
I'm not proud of my involvement with evil office products, and I'm not proud of my pinkilessness, but it is part of who I am, and if the world isn't ready to accept me as I am then I do not want to rule it. Who would want to rule over a world that doesn't accept me for who I am? Perhaps I'll have to change my plans and destroy it...
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