Esperanto is so last month

I have been meaning to post for a while on this, but I kept holding off to make sure our plan was really and truly working before talking about it.  Most of you remember when we changed "Gertrude" so that she only gave instructions in Esperanto, and many of you responded with new ideas to disrupt communications at the New Company.  My wife and I considered the suggestions and came up with an awesome plan, which has now been implemented and running for at least a week.  The New Company was finally starting to understand the instructions in Esperanto, so we got our hackers to write a new module that would, like Hedy Lamarr's secret communication method, cause her to jump from language to language in a seemingly random way.  The New Company is falling behind on their translations as they don't have the key they need, and we think we will soon bring it to its figurative knees!  Thanks for your suggestions, and if you have more let me know.

I'm not twiddling my thumbs

Although twiddle has always been one of my favorite words, I would like to clarify that I am not currently simply twiddling my thumbs.  Some of my more ardent supporters seems to have cooled off after the drama of the US election, but I am making progress.  Our Esperanto project has kept the New Company from doing anything destructive, unless you count the denial of service attack they staged against the GPD offices, but that was more a stunt than an actual attack.  My operatives are keeping them on the defensive, which is good for the world, and even better for me.  If I can keep them from ruling the world I'll have a much better chance of doing it myself!

Sleep Number

Last week I made a momentous decision to choose to attempt to unite with my rivals and to rid the world of evil with their help, and I was a bit insulted when they responded by telling me I had given them an invalid sleep number.  I had, in fact, given them a sleep number I used to use: 104.  Unfortunately, since then, a new company has come up and decided that their sleep numbers will be between 0 and 100.  Much like those who argue for using the ridiculous Celsius temperature scale, they believe that people understand numbers between 0 and 100 better than they do other numbers, which is pretty silly.  Anyway, for the curious I did not let this insult deter me from my latest goal, and I have submitted my converted sleep number of 40.  I hope that makes them happy.

A decision

Ever since I declared my opposition to evil office products I have been working hard to garner the support I need to take over the world and keep everyone safe from the evils of the Parent Corporation, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, the New Company, and offshoots such as the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  I am no stranger to the damage these hole punches, brads, and evil stickers are responsible for, and what's more, I am no stranger to the tactics the purveyors of these evils use to trick unsuspecting people into becoming dependent on them.  I have, as yet, not aligned myself with any of the other anti-brad or anti-hole punch movements as I considered them imperfect.  As my wife and I have begun our own quest for world domination, however, we have realized that if we do not join forces against evil that evil will gain the upper hand before we can establish ourselves fully.  The solution we have come to, reluctantly, is to submit an application for membership in the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators.

While it is certainly not our first choice, and we have had many disagreements with the GPD, "Natasha" and I have come to the conclusion that we can do more to change the world with their resources than we have been able to do alone.  While it means that the purity of my movement will be adulterated, if it means that evil is disadvantaged and that I am closer to my goal of world domination I am willing to take the chance.  They say they would gladly accept me if I were to join with them, so we'll see how sincere they really are!

Our first successful mission (at least that we can talk about)

It is with great pleasure that I announce that "Natasha" and I have successfully executed our first mission (that we can talk about) to keep the New Company from succeeding in its bid to force evil office products on the masses.  We introduced a computer virus into the computer running "Gertrude" which caused "her" to create all of her memos in Esperanto.  As "she" could not communicate "her" ideas, "her" staff became panicked, and until they learn Esperanto they will have to either sit on their hands and do nothing or guess what "Gertrude" wants them to do.  We figure it will take them a couple weeks to learn the new language, so we have earned 14 days * 7 billion people = 98 billion person days free from the New Company's influence!

Evil office products

While researching the best ways to get people to swear allegiance to me and give up their own ambitions in order to achieve my goals I ran across an post on my former enemy's blog about how, if I truly despise evil office products, I should be doing more to crush the New Company and my former employer, the Parent Corporation.

I want to make it very clear:  I despise evil office products and will never use them again, nor will I support their design, manufacture, distribution, or use among the general population.  My comments in previous posts were not meant to indicate that I had relapsed into approving of them, but to illustrate my point that it is much more difficult than I had thought to get people to unite behind me when their judgment is not impaired by dependence on these tools of evil.  It took me a while to come to this realization, but now that I have accepted it and changed my tactics I am once again having great success.

There has also been one incident at one of my field offices where a naive campaign worker used hole punches while distributing campaign literature, but she has been reprimanded and now my wife and I are training our new recruits on the dangers of brads and hole punches, how to recognize evil stickers, and how to talk to people who don't think there is anything wrong with evil office products.  We are also getting ready to launch campaigns against the New Company and its evil designs.  Just because I haven't have the manpower to launch attacks against them doesn't mean I won't be doing so in the very near future!

Progress

I am pleased to announce that after a remarkably slow start, my bid to rule the world is finally taking off.  I must admit that I was starting to wonder whether I had made a mistake in giving up such a useful tool as evil office products, but my wife reminded me of the sad situation we found ourselves in earlier this year and I realized that she is right.  After my conversations with my not-so-evil twin I made some adjustments to my methods, and I have begun recruiting campaign workers.  It's remarkably easy to find people disillusioned with the current state of politics, especially in the current political climate in the United States.  I just used some of the money I got from my churro sales to buy campaign posters and put them up all over, and suddenly campaign volunteers started flocking to me.  It just goes to show that when people understand their alternatives they aren't so stupid after all.

"Natasha" has cautioned me not to get my hopes up too much, and that perhaps the volunteers that are flocking to me are just considering me a better option than the major US political parties.  I can't believe that anyone wouldn't be a better option than the major political parties here in the US, so I think my wife is being overly pessimistic, but my recent disappointments have let me know that people aren't so quick to recognize the greatness in me as I would expect, so I am letting them bask in my glow for a while and then I am sure they will be loyal and mindless followers!

I would like to thank all of those who have joined me so far, and would like to extend an invitation to everyone else: either join me or you'll be sorry!  I'm finally starting to have enough infrastructure in place that I can start manipulating world events in my favor, so you'll want to be aligned with me to avoid any... um... discomfort!