A Readjustment of Priorities

I know it has been a long time since I have posted on this forum, but I don't want my loyal supporters to think I have given up on the dream of ruling the world.  Unfortunately, the path I had been taking (seeking membership in the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators so I could expand my own influence and start directing the GPD to do things my way so that when I am powerful enough I could discard them like the useless committee they are) wasn't working for me.  For one thing, I withdrew my name for consideration last month some time, so there is no chance that a potential partnership will materialize in the near future.  For another, my lovely wife "Natasha" reacted very badly to my attempt to gain power and prestige through the GPD.  She is a former operative of the GPD and for some reason very skittish about resuming a long-term open relationship with them.  It might have to do with a few things she took with her when she left, but I think it is more that she no longer believes in their form of government.  Anyway, to make a long story short, "Natasha" and I have been on very shaky ground for nearly three months now, but when the GPD intervened and started blaming my wife for attempts to frame me, things got really bad.  At this point we are on talking terms again, but I have had to promise her I won't try to establish a relationship with the GPD.

Consequently, as my initial plan is no longer viable, I am asking all of my supporters to help me expand my patented Churro empire.  Please contact me for details if you are interested.  I think my realigned priorities will produce the same result while keeping my marital relationship intact!

Even more tragic

I would like to apologize to my supporters for my lack of posts recently.  I have been very busy interviewing for membership in the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators, and I think I'm doing pretty well.  I get to try the obstacle course pretty soon, and then I'll have a much better sense of my chances.  If I don't get added to the Board of Dictators I'll have to proceed with my original plans to make the world more what I want it to be, but it would be easier to work with my former enemies.  Some of you might ask why this post is labeled "even more tragic," and it would be reasonable to do so.  Apparently there are allegations floating around that I was responsible for the Yakima incident, and what's worse, the GPD is not clearing me of those allegations.  They claim I either botched the job or was framed, but I don't know which they actually believe.  I guess if I find piranhas in my water hazard during the obstacle course I'll know for sure.  I just think it's tragic that the GPD can't just let something like this go on my word.  Perhaps when I'm a member of the Board they'll listen to me.

Tragic

I'm in the middle of some very important operations and can't take much time to write, but I did want to say that I have received notice from the GPD's Board of Dictators that I am to be considered for the next round of evaluation.  I am pleased that I won't have to openly oppose them at this time, and I would like to say that it is tragic what happened to their office in Yakima yesterday.

The New "Gertrude"

Because of my meddling with the computer program they called "Gertrude" the New Company has appointed a new "Gertrude," this time a real person.  The GNU Public Dictatorship has accused me of making things worse, but we all know that chaos in a corporation, while it may be disruptive, almost never leads to more efficient solutions.  Instead, the higher-ups just blame the employees, and the employees blame the higher-ups.  Even switching a CEO generally has little effect on the day-to-day operations of a company, so I think that I have been helpful.  I don't know why the GPD seems intent on making my triumph seem like a problem, but I suspect it is that they aren't really as open as they claim to be.

Esperanto is so last month

I have been meaning to post for a while on this, but I kept holding off to make sure our plan was really and truly working before talking about it.  Most of you remember when we changed "Gertrude" so that she only gave instructions in Esperanto, and many of you responded with new ideas to disrupt communications at the New Company.  My wife and I considered the suggestions and came up with an awesome plan, which has now been implemented and running for at least a week.  The New Company was finally starting to understand the instructions in Esperanto, so we got our hackers to write a new module that would, like Hedy Lamarr's secret communication method, cause her to jump from language to language in a seemingly random way.  The New Company is falling behind on their translations as they don't have the key they need, and we think we will soon bring it to its figurative knees!  Thanks for your suggestions, and if you have more let me know.

I'm not twiddling my thumbs

Although twiddle has always been one of my favorite words, I would like to clarify that I am not currently simply twiddling my thumbs.  Some of my more ardent supporters seems to have cooled off after the drama of the US election, but I am making progress.  Our Esperanto project has kept the New Company from doing anything destructive, unless you count the denial of service attack they staged against the GPD offices, but that was more a stunt than an actual attack.  My operatives are keeping them on the defensive, which is good for the world, and even better for me.  If I can keep them from ruling the world I'll have a much better chance of doing it myself!

Sleep Number

Last week I made a momentous decision to choose to attempt to unite with my rivals and to rid the world of evil with their help, and I was a bit insulted when they responded by telling me I had given them an invalid sleep number.  I had, in fact, given them a sleep number I used to use: 104.  Unfortunately, since then, a new company has come up and decided that their sleep numbers will be between 0 and 100.  Much like those who argue for using the ridiculous Celsius temperature scale, they believe that people understand numbers between 0 and 100 better than they do other numbers, which is pretty silly.  Anyway, for the curious I did not let this insult deter me from my latest goal, and I have submitted my converted sleep number of 40.  I hope that makes them happy.